


Existing or living?

by yeonkawa



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Comfort, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:15:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28614966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeonkawa/pseuds/yeonkawa
Summary: In which Yeonjun’s safe place is Soobin and Soobin is more than happy to hold him while he cries.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	Existing or living?

Since a child Yeonjun had always struggled with having too many opinions when someone asked him what he wanted to do with his life.

I want to enjoy life at its fullest he would think. He didn’t want any type of romantic commitment. He thought feelings are stupid to begin with and especially romantic ones.

Why do you fall in love? What exactly do you fall in love with? He could never grasp the idea of falling in love because of someone’s habits that anyone could have or some features in their appearance that once again anyone could have.

He believed you could have all those “romantic” feelings with a friend as well. A friend could also be there with you for the rest of your life and provide you all the love and affection a human needed.

Like come on, he would think, the only difference is the sexual stuff.

So, yeah that was one of his opinions about life. He wanted to have a successful job career and make a lot of money so he can travel around the world. He wanted to try everything and enjoy the adrenaline of it without being committed to anything. Whether that was his family, a partner and their kids or even a pet or a “home”.

Because honestly what even is home? It’s just bricks.

Growing up Yeonjun always had certain issues when it came to being passive aggressive to people.

You couldn’t really blame him.

Listening to his friends complain about their Christmas gifts being bad and how they didn’t like their food was so annoying.

And it was annoying because Yeonjun would have loved it.

He always wanted a cosy and loving family like the movies or what his friends had. He wanted the “family night” where they play board games or watch movies and they have fun to the point where his cheeks hurt, and he can’t stop holding his stomach because it hurt from the joyful laugh.

However, that was not the case when it came to his family.  
  


He grew up with family dinners ending up in screaming, holidays ending up in screaming, beach trips ending up in screaming. Everything fun they could do would be destroyed by his parents.

As a child at the beginning, he thought it was normal. All couples fight, his parents would say, it’s because we are healthy and we get it out of our system. It confused him because whenever he went to his friend’s house the first thing he would see would be the whole family just being in the couch. Sometimes they would watch tv, play a game, eat or just sit and enjoy each other’s company.

In Yeonjun’s house he was in his room all day to avoid his parents in case one of them got mad at him for simply breathing too loud.

You can’t blame him for punching his friend when he was thirteen because he said his parents are awful when those same parents treated Yeonjun, basically a stranger, better than his own family ever did.

Maybe that is why I would love that type of life he would catch himself thinking. He didn’t want to end up miserable and hating all his life choices just because he met a bad partner like his mother did and then make his children miserable and traumatized for their whole life as well because he simply was too fucked up as a parent.

Then he met his first love when he was seventeen.

I mean, you wouldn’t exactly call it love.

Yeonjun still can’t say his name without it bringing him to tears. He refers to him as a mistake. He learned many things from that mistake which he will be grateful for, but he still left whatever he had with that guy with a broken heart.

Yeonjun learned about who he is when it came to terms of sexuality because of him and most importantly he felt wanted.

Yeonjun should have known honestly so that is why he doesn’t really blame the guy. He should have known the moment everything romantic they did like going on dates, watching a movie or cuddling ended up with sex.

He was too blinded by someone wanting him and what he thought was love that he chose to ignore the pain. He chose to ignore the annoyed look his boyfriend would give him whenever he approached him while he was talking to his friends. He chose to ignore the fact that whenever he talked the other would be on his phone. He chose to ignore the empty feeling on his chest whenever they finished sex and the man would just leave him with some shitty excuse.

He chose to ignore all of that because that was the first time Yeonjun truly understood how lonely he was and how he wanted to spend his life with his partner just the two of them even if that meant he would feel that empty feeling in his chest. As long as he felt those few seconds of the other tightly holding him while using his body in any way he wanted, he would do it all over.

However, it was too good to be true and the other simply ghosted him with no explanation. Yeonjun believed that maybe if he had an explained he would have felt more at peace and get the closure he needed but now that he thinks about it there is no need for it. He now knows that guy’s intentions but then he was too naïve.

He is still grateful for finding that other aspect of living your life but now standing outside of Soobin’s door at one in the morning with his vision blurred because of the tears and his cheeks itching from the dried ones he found out a new response about how he wants to live his life.

He simply doesn’t want to live it.

Soobin opened the door with a big pastel blue robe matching his blue hair and puffy eyes rubbing them so he can wake up. He looked at the older with confusion before taking in his appearance.

Soobin and Yeonjun have been friends for almost four years now. They met when Soobin was a lost freshman at the university and Yeonjun helped him and they just stared hanging out casually after that.

If a third person saw their friendship they would say that it was one sided but to them it was normal. Yeonjun knew everything about Soobin and many times he found himself holding a stressed Soobin and reassuring him but he never was the one being held. The younger sometimes thinks about it.

He thinks about the fact that he has never seen Yeonjun cry other than a few tears and he has never opened up about anything. He only briefly mentioned sometimes that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents.

So, its natural for Soobin to be shocked at the current situation. Both just stand there awkwardly for a second before Soobin’s gears start working and he softly grabs Yeonjun’s hand bringing him into the house. He guides him to the couch and pushes his shoulders sitting him down before turning to leave.

He goes to the kitchen and makes some chocolate before putting it on the microwave and going to his room grabbing the softest blanket he can find.

He comes back to the living room after grabbing the chocolate, struggling a bit with the blanket on the other hand, stopping for a second looking at his friend and almost breaking down at the image. He looked so out of it, his eyes not focusing anywhere and his whole body shaking.

He places the mug with the warm chocolate on the small table and turns to the other wrapping the blanket tightly around him stopping for a second and staring at him. When Yeonjun returns the stare, he gives him a small smile and Yeonjun’s face breaks even more, tears not stopping.

Soobin grabs the chocolate and goes to give it to the other but he sees how his hands are shaking. The last thing he wants right now is for Yeonjun to spill it and burn himself, so he puts it back on the table and grabs Yeonjun’s hands. He sits with his legs crossed on the floor between the older’s ones and wraps the blanket around him as well.

As Soobin caresses Yeonjun’s hands they stare at each other and the younger quietly waits for the other to speak.

“I’m sorry.” Yeonjun mumbles after a while.

“For what?” Soobin whispers, now caressing the back of Yeonjun’s hand with his thumb.

“It’s one am, I look like a mess and I woke you up.” Answers Yeonjun looking away.

“First of all, you know that you can come here no matter what the time is and you look great to me. Don’t forget that we have drank together. Trust me I’ve seen you at your worst.” He chuckled at the end trying to lighten the mood because he was truly suffocating and was extremely stressed on how to deal with this Yeonjun. When the other didn’t even crack a smile Soobin felt like an idiot.

Yeonjun looked down at the man between his legs who had his eyebrows frowned and he could tell that he was biting the inside of his mouth.

Yeonjun has never felt so pathetic.

He got up and pushed the blanket off him. “I should probably go. This is not your problem and you’re clearly distraught from the way I’m acting.”

Soobin panicked and got up as well going after Yeonjun who was walking to the exit.

“Hey, hey!” He tried to catch his attention only to get ignored. “Hey, listen to me!” He grabbed Yeonjun’s arm turning him around and now he wishes he hadn’t done that because the look on his friend was something he wishes he had never witnessed, especially because of him.

“Yeonjun—” He started only to get interrupted.

“Please d-don’t touch me right now.” Whispered Yeonjun pulling his arm back hugging it on his chest and making himself as small as possible.

“I don’t know what’s going on and everything I do seems to trigger you even more but please tell me what to do and I will try my best to help. I beg you to let me be there for you, I know you don’t have anyone Junnie.” The desperation clear in his voice.

Yeonjun snapped his head at the nickname and his shoulders slumped a bit in defeat. He seemed to realize that this is his closest and only friend and he honestly is too overwhelmed right now to go through this alone.

Soobin wanted to cry at the look Yeonjun was giving him. “I know that this is hard but please… trust me.” The younger whispered and Yeonjun went back to thinking how much of an idiot he must seem to be immature and break like this in front of the only person who didn’t know about his sad life and truly liked him for him.

He shook his head trying to remind himself that this is Soobin and he would never judge him. He looked up to Soobin and he never thought he would say this to him but here he is. “Can you hold me?”

Soobin widened his eyes a bit. “Uh y-yes. Sure.” He tried to approach him but Yeonjun backed off.

“I know this is weird and awkward, but can you hold me while laying down?” He said while walking towards the bedroom too embarrassed to look at Soobin.

Soobin followed after him fast and grabbed his hand squeezing it reassuringly. “Nothing to be embarrassed about.”

However, Yeonjun was still embarrassed and didn’t look up to him just kept walking inside the bedroom breaking their hands to lie down under the covers.

“Do you want me to turn off the lights?” Soobin asked his hand over the light flicker.

“Um yes but do you have any like small light? I don’t want it to be complete dark you know?” Yeonjun was getting awkward now fidgeting under the covers.

“Yeah, let me just…” Soobin turned off the light and then opened some fairy lights behind the bed. “I don’t like it being completely dark either.” He chuckled and looked down at Yeonjun. He knows that the other is older but he looks so young and vulnerable in this moment that Soobin gets stressed. He really doesn’t want to do or say something even slightly triggering to him. He crawled under the sheets and laid next to the other.

Yeonjun looked at Soobin for a second and then moved slowly towards him stopping when their faces were inches away and their legs were touching. They were just staring for a while, Yeonjun quietly asking for permission and Soobin nodding opening his arms. Both moved towards each other and hugged tightly.

Yeonjun’s face on Soobin’s chest and their legs intertwined. It was quiet at the beginning for a few seconds until Soobin started playing with the other’s hair. That’s when he heard his sobs, and he felt the shaking body in his hands. It broke his heart and he really wanted to cry as well but he kept calm and continued to play with his hair, also giving him a few pecks on it once in a while.

No matter how cliché and movie like it sounded they truly lost track of time. Yeonjun could have been crying for three hours and they wouldn’t notice.

When he stopped shaking and the sobs became simply tears rolling down his cheeks was when he spoke, Soobin clinging onto every word.

“I came out to my parents.” He said quietly but Soobin heard him seeing that his face was in Soobin’s neck now. The other didn’t speak, he thought that he should let Yeonjun just let it out in one go without interruptions that could make him feel worse.

“Well clearly it didn’t go well.” He chuckled making humour out of it but Soobin didn’t laugh and now he understood how the other felt before when he tried to lighten the mood as well.

“Um... I honestly didn’t expect it to go well because I knew they were homophobic so that wasn’t the worst part. Kind of expected it.” He sniffled at the end clearly showing that the outcome still hurt him.

“We got into a fight. I’ve told you that I don’t have a good relationship with them, and I am not an asshole there is a reason.” Soobin held him tighter.

“Truth is they’re horrible. They obviously hate each other and themselves and I was in the middle of all of that for years. Anyway, my dad said the classic every homophobic parent says about me being a failure and I don’t know why it hit me that bad because it wasn’t the first time he called me that but I snapped. We started screaming and I told them about basically every hurtful thing they did towards me.” He was taking big pauses to collect himself and his voice cracked multiple times to the point where he was kind of getting annoyed at himself but Soobin wasn’t saying anything and patiently waited so he felt better.

“At the end when I got fed up I simply got up and tried to leave but my dad…” He paused and Soobin felt like he needed to interrupt there.

He removed his hands from his waist and put them around his neck somehow bringing him close. Almost as if he was protecting him.

“It’s ok. You said enough I understand.” He whispered and kissed his forehead.

“No, no.” Yeonjun said and pushed himself of the hug a bit looking at Soobin. “I want to talk about it with someone and I only have you.” He gave a small sad smile at the end and Soobin physically felt his heart breaking before he nodded.

“He uh grabbed me like you did that’s why I panicked before.” Right as Soobin was about to apologize Yeonjun cut him off. “It’s ok, I know you would never do anything that would hurt me.” Soobin slumped relieved knowing that he didn’t cause harm to the other.

“Um… he told me something that he once had told me when I was a teenager but this time hurt even more for some reason.” He took a big breath before he continued and Soobin could feel and hear his heart beating faster than ever.

“He wished I was dead.”

One was too hurt and tired at this point and the other too shocked.

Soobin let a single tear fall from his eye and then spoke.

“How do you feel?” He asked such a simple question but it hit Yeonjun like a truck.

“W-what?” He answered backing off a bit.

“How do you feel?” Soobin repeated. “You said this time it hurt you more than it did when you were a kid and from the years I’ve known you this is the first time you talk about your emotions. I feel like no one has ever stopped and asked you if you are truly ok and I am so sorry I didn’t do it as well until now.”

The calmness in Soobin’s voice scared him but gave him so much reassurance and comfort from the constant screaming in his head and that’s when Yeonjun truly broke down.

He didn’t care how ugly he looked or sounded. He just hugged Soobin so tight and cried but he was smiling. He was really smiling.

“I feel happy. I truly feel happy.” He said looking at Soobin now who was also crying. “I know I should be sad but that’s what I want. I want to be considered dead to them.”

Soobin has never seen Yeonjun like this and his feelings are overflowing.

“I am so glad for you Junnie.” He whispered because he honestly doesn’t trust his voice right now.

They were just staring at each other with tears in their eyes but smiles on their lips before cuddling and falling asleep.

Yeonjun has never slept so peaceful with no worries.

-

Yeonjun moved out of his house. Soobin had asked, more like demanded after Yeonjun tried to decline, to move in with him.

He was worried about so many stuff but Soobin took care of everything.

He was the one who went to his house and took his belongings. Soobin was also there when Yeonjun got fired from his job because his manager was friends with his dad. He found a new and better job however with the help of Soobin’s parents who have been so nice to him that he cried the first time they got home after meeting them.

Home. Yeonjun understood what it meant now. After a while of living together they decided to try being together and it has been great. For him home was the way he felt when Soobin held him and he stopped feeling the emptiness.

Now, sitting on the couch with Soobin and doing something simple as watching tv Yeonjun thought about how he wanted to live his life.

He could see himself being happy.


End file.
